300 reasons I would vote for used gym socks if it would keep John McCain out of office

March 31, 2008

Why I would vote for a llama before I’d vote for John McCain

Filed under: Things I'd Vote For Before John McCain — 300reasons @ 9:42 pm

Llamas are adorable. They produce useful llama wool. They are also highly intelligent, and capable of learning new tasks quickly.

John McCain is not adorable. He has no useful wool. And if his economic policy ideas are any indication, the llamas may have a one-up on him in the smarts department.


Reason #4

This is really 10 reasons for the price of one.

I think the most notable in this particular bunch is the incident where McCain was too senile to remember the difference between Sunni and Shia Muslims, and had to have it whispered in his ear by Joe Lieberman. I can’t imagine any problems that kind of confusion might cause!

March 30, 2008

Why I would vote for a turkey sandwich before I’d vote for John McCain

Filed under: Things I'd Vote For Before John McCain — 300reasons @ 9:55 pm

Turkey sandwiches are delicious. They have mayonnaise and other tasty condiments. Plus, turkey is high in protein and selenium.

John McCain is not delicious. He doesn’t have mayonnaise. At his age, he probably doesn’t have any selenium left.

Also, he made up a song about bombing Iran.

Reason #3

Filed under: Civil Liberties,Human Rights,Sellout,Torture — 300reasons @ 8:29 pm

Reason #2

Filed under: War and Peace — 300reasons @ 2:08 am

March 28, 2008

Reason #1

Filed under: War and Peace — 300reasons @ 7:46 pm


Filed under: Circular Firing Squad — 300reasons @ 6:33 pm

Okay, that’s it. I am pulling this car over.

A Gallup poll released Wednesday shows that 28% of Hillary Clinton’s supporters and 19% of Barack Obama’s supporters are saying that if their candidate loses the primary, they will refuse to vote for the other Democrat in November.

Please excuse me while my head explodes.

Have you all completely lost your minds? Do you know how many people will die, yes, literally die, if we elect John McCain? I don’t just mean the civilians he will bomb in Iran, or the troops we’ll lose in Iraq, or the women who will die from the back-alley abortions they’ll be forced into when Roe vs. Wade is overturned—there are also the slower, less dramatic deaths caused by poverty, lack of adequate health care, environmental destruction, and a million other problems John McCain couldn’t give two craps about.

Like many of you, I have a very strong preference for one Democratic candidate. And I have a strong desire to throttle the other one. HOWEVER, I am not on a fucking suicide mission. I will vote for either Democratic candidate, because this election is not about me. It is about billions of other people, and I am not so blinded by selfishness and needing to be right that I am willing to sacrifice all those other people for my petty sense of satisfaction. I am not willing to have the blood of someone’s baby on my hands just because I want to “prove” some point about how my candidate coulda woulda shoulda won.

Obama voters: I get it. It would be extremely unfair and undemocratic if Hillary won by kneecapping Obama and stealing the election with the superdelegates. And the racist stuff that has been said by some Hillary supporters is outrageous.

Hillary voters: I get it. It is completely undemocratic that Michigan and Florida didn’t get to vote, and media is unfuckingbelievably sexist. It’s not fair.

But you know what? The only way we’re going to have the time and ability to work on election reform, issues of media ownership and the deep racism and sexism that pervade our culture is if we’re not in a complete state of crisis, which is where we’ll be if McCain is president. Do you trust him to keep us out of further wars? Do you trust him not to let the economy crash and burn? Do you trust him with the environment? We are at a point in history where these are life and death issues, and we can’t afford to make any more mistakes.

Grow up and do the right thing. Don’t make me come back there.

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