300 reasons I would vote for used gym socks if it would keep John McCain out of office

September 21, 2008

Why I would vote for toenail fungus before I’d vote for John McCain

Well, this one is harder than justifying a vote for a llama. I mean, llamas are way cuter than toenail fungus.

However, I do feel that several arguments can be made for voting toenail fungus. First, it doesn’t have anger problems, and even if it did, I don’t think toenail fungus could get it together to pick up the red phone. Second, unlike John McCain, toenail fungus doesn’t have any advisers who were personally responsible for the mortgage crisis. And finally, toenail fungus isn’t bizarrely obsessed with the fundamentals of our economy being strong.

June 18, 2008

Why I would vote for my cat before I’d vote for John McCain

Filed under: Minimum Wage,Poverty,Things I'd Vote For Before John McCain — 300reasons @ 9:01 pm

My cat is totally cute. She does this awesome thing where she rolls on her back and bats at the air like a maniac. Adorable. Plus, she hasn’t voted against a minimum wage increase even once, let alone on five separate occasions.

May 23, 2008

Why I would vote for a bag of Cheetos before I’d vote for John McCain

Filed under: Things I'd Vote For Before John McCain — 300reasons @ 4:55 am

Hey, I like snackfood.

May 9, 2008

Why I would vote for dirty underwear before I’d vote for John McCain

Filed under: Things I'd Vote For Before John McCain,Women's Rights — 300reasons @ 6:23 pm

Contrary to popular belief, dirty underwear have many possible uses. For one thing, in purely utilitarian terms, they can always be washed and worn again, saving the trouble of buying a new pair or flying commando. For another, while I have never researched the subject myself, I am positively certain that an entire community of fetishists could find multiple uses for dirty underwear. I am equally certain that there are very few fetishists who could make use of John McCain.

And I’ve never heard of a pair of dirty underwear trying to overturn Roe vs. Wade.

May 7, 2008

Reason #27

Filed under: Things I'd Vote For Before John McCain — 300reasons @ 5:15 pm

Now that we can cautiously say that Obama seems to be the nominee, shall we compare and contrast?

Option #1:

And Option #2:

April 11, 2008

Why I would vote for a housplant before I’d vote for John McCain

Filed under: The Environment,Things I'd Vote For Before John McCain — 300reasons @ 4:04 am

Unlike John McCain, houseplants are often quite attractive. They really spruce up a room in a way that a grumpy 70-year-old just doesn’t.

Houseplants also clean the air, removing carbon dioxide and other pollutants. I can’t say the same for John McCain.

April 4, 2008

Why I would vote for a box of hammers before I’d vote for John McCain

Filed under: Things I'd Vote For Before John McCain — 300reasons @ 8:43 pm

Hammers are a very useful tool.  You can build things with them, or hang pictures.

If I had a box of hammers, I could sell any hammers that I could not personally use.  This could give me a source of income during the coming recession.

I can’t use John McCain to hang my pictures, and judging from his support of the Bush policies that got us into this economic mess, he’s just going to make the recession worse—probably so bad that even if I sold several boxes of hammers, my home would be foreclosed on.

March 31, 2008

Why I would vote for a llama before I’d vote for John McCain

Filed under: Things I'd Vote For Before John McCain — 300reasons @ 9:42 pm


Llamas are adorable. They produce useful llama wool. They are also highly intelligent, and capable of learning new tasks quickly.

John McCain is not adorable. He has no useful wool. And if his economic policy ideas are any indication, the llamas may have a one-up on him in the smarts department.

March 30, 2008

Why I would vote for a turkey sandwich before I’d vote for John McCain

Filed under: Things I'd Vote For Before John McCain — 300reasons @ 9:55 pm



Turkey sandwiches are delicious. They have mayonnaise and other tasty condiments. Plus, turkey is high in protein and selenium.

John McCain is not delicious. He doesn’t have mayonnaise. At his age, he probably doesn’t have any selenium left.

Also, he made up a song about bombing Iran.

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